Monday, January 29, 2007

Back at my desk...Mood swings

Well, I am back at work. Wish I could say that I feel good. I guess in many ways I do. But right now the magnitude of starting over in nearly every area of my life is hitting me. It is truly amazing how one can feel so happy and so sad simultaneously. I have so much to be thankful for. And yet between the aftereffects of being controlled by a phony religion and rearranging my entire personal life, including beginning to look at dating, well...I guess change is not easy. I am going through a divorce now. At forty I'm not old. But beginning everything over is BIG. I mean I'm not starting fresh in everything. And I began changing my affairs 3-4 years ago. I have a life outside the JW "organization." I have some awesome friends, some right here at work who are being a tremendous source of support. I have money and once the divorce is finalized I may look at a house or condo.

But sometimes it just seems like so much. Even so I refuse to look back. But sometimes I feel as if the loneliness is killing me. Now the "elders" are after to me to "encourage" me. Making surprise visits to my apartment and scaring my daughter. I already wrote that resignation letter and have one ready to disassociate (the JW term for leaving officially) myself. But I don't want to break my Mom's heart. Putting me and my brother (who I am helping to bring out as well) in this cult is the only success that she has ever found in life. But if they don't leave me alone I may have no choice. I won't go through the Judicial Committee process. Too traumatic and pointless for me. I know that I'm venting and I have to work through this. I guess I just wish that I could close my eyes, open them and everything would just go away.


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